Tonight I sit too tired to cry yet tears are welling inside…….I’m not quite ready to release them…because to be completely transparent, I’m too tired to deal with the yucky headaches, stomachache, and dry eyes that visit once a good ol’ ugly cry commences……
But, tonight’s emotion is not a sadness…it’s a bittersweet feeling of knowing an aching hurt is coming….and yet beauty today gave a great reprieve.
You see, our family has been called to foster. My hubby…the serious, practical, planner came home from a business trip, out of the blue, and said that he felt like God called us to foster. Being that I jump at every new opportunity and have LONGED for more children in our home….I said, “Yep, you heard God correctly,” and here we are…….
We’re now parents of 5 teenagers (a biological son, a biological daughter, and 3 foster daughters). To say emotions are high is an understatement in our home. Melding a family from 3 separate cultures of life is something only God can orchestrate, and we’ve only to say, “Okay, God, I’ve got nothing….let’s see you at work today.” And that’s what happens EVERY SINGLE DAY! It’s a beautiful sort of crazy!
However, things are changing. Two of our fosters are going home to biological family very soon. And so right now life is strange….. it’s a mix of dealing with their anger to push away the hurt of leaving, our protective shields doing the same, the longing to teach every parenting moment possible before they leave, a prayer that God’s voice is heard in their new home, a joy to see a parent working so hard to get their babies home, a questioning of how we will deal with the hurt felt by the other 3 who are staying here, and a complete sadness on our part knowing that our time in this role with them is coming to a close. (And, there’s probably a million more feelings mixed in there as well.)
But, today, I didn’t do so well. I just let the tired sink really deep. I didn’t say, “Hey God, what’s next?” I just said, “Hey God….I’m tired.”
And boy, am I!!!! Holy Cow!! To the core!!!!
And, you know what’s gracious about God? He already knew and shared a whole lot of compassion through others to bring about rest in my heart……
And, isn’t God just like that? He knows our hearts. He knows when we’re at our breaking point. And, that’s when the rest He provides is so much more fulfilling.
Let me just share a couple examples of His handiwork today:
So, this morning as one of my co-workers and I were walking 3 children with special needs to our classroom, one of our little boys who is deaf walked into a first grade classroom. And, instead of the teacher being annoyed, can you imagine what God had her do??
She signed to him!
Now picture a little boy with VERY limited conversation in a world filled with people communicating around him!!!! And a teacher looked right at him, smiled, and spoke his language as if they’d been friends for years. It was goose-bump inducing, and totally God-orchestrated.
Later, I had to rush and juggle to get 2 of our girls to a dentist appointment at a new office that I’d never been to before.
When we walked in, I noticed the office was dark……..But, I pushed that little tidbit aside and spoke with the sweet lady at the desk. I said, “We’re here for our appointment.” She kindly asked the girls’ names and said, “Well, we don’t have them on the schedule, but that’s okay.” (Now I’m pretty sure I made the correct appointment, but hey…. my brain’s a bit divided these days…..not sure who’s wires were crossed…..moot point…..)
No matter, her sweet husband, the dentist, walked into the waiting room and invited our girls back as if nothing was amiss. THEN, to top things off, one of our girls had a cavity. I said, “Let me go back out and schedule the filling.” And, he proceeded to let me know that it was no trouble, he would just do it now.
Okay then. One less juggling act to come back, and I of course thanked him…….
While the dentist was filling the cavity, I headed to the lobby to find the Dentist’s wife giving our other two girls handmade beautiful necklaces and (as dentist office do) toothbrushes. Next, she answered the phone to let another customer know that they were CLOSED today!
Not only did she not make me feel bad for being there the wrong day, she and her hubby left the office open just for us….
Then she gave our girls homemade necklaces…..
Then the dentist filled the cavity on his day off….
And finally….to top it all off, THEY WOULDN’T LET ME PAY!
I stood there practically speechless, thanked them profusely, and took a quick second to thank the Lord for being so close and real on a day where I had NOTHING left.
So, today God shared with me, in very tangible form just what this verse means..
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.” Matthew 5:3
God showed his HUGE HEART today through those in His world, and my heart is changed for it!
Thank you, Lord, for revealing Yourself through your creations. Thank you for caring when we’re tired and just long for a little bit of beauty! I am honored to find rest in You! Amen!